How to find a righteous spouse

-How to find a righteous spouse-

Finding a partner can be emotionally straining and many people lose hope at the end. This task is, in fact, simple and straightforward but people are looking in the wrong places, asking the wrong questions and taking the wrong steps. The root of the problem stems from people's perception of marriage, hence shifting the paradigm can solve many problems in this regard. 

-The reality of marriage -

Choosing a partner is like searching for a business partner and there is a striking similarity between marriage and business. It's also similar to farming the man is like the farmer searching for fertile land to plant his seed and the crops are the children. Allah said: "Your wives are a place of sowing of seed for you……" (Quran 2:223). Marriage, therefore, is a long term investment that will benefit both husband and wife in this life and the next.

-Islamic Networking-

The first step in finding a righteous spouse is to use effective tools such as networking. Offline Networking will ensure one finds a potential spouse and there are many networks that are available to every individual. One network is the person's own direct contacts, people personally known, this is the best network as the person will be fully aware of the potential spouse's background. It might seem boring for some people but is the safest option and hopefully, there won't be any unexpected traits or characteristics.

The second network is an Islamic network. If one is not already a member of one, it would be useful to introduce oneself by volunteering to help Islamic institutions in hope that members they will become familiar with the personal character and recommend a match in their network. Also attending marriage events that are arranged by organizations that comply with the Islamic values and ethics is useful.

The third network is extended or indirect networks, in which the person taps into the network of close people such as family members and friends. Family members are a great link as they always give priority to the relative in the matching process and not vice versa.

Networking allows one to discover people that an individual will never meet and save the person from the embarrassment of stepping back from people who seem to be good candidates outwardly but hide their ugly background.  Networking, in general, helps to find the most honest people as this quality is only observed in close relationships between i.e. colleagues, friends, and student and teacher relationships. However this does not include online social networks as they are not reliable, people have the freedom to present themselves in any fashion they desire and can be misleading. 

-Sharing the same ultimate aim-

The number one criteria in searching for a spouse should be religious excellence and piety. 

 عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ، قَالَ قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ ـ صلى الله عليه وسلم ـ  "‏ إِذَا أَتَاكُمْ مَنْ تَرْضَوْنَ خُلُقَهُ وَدِينَهُ فَزَوِّجُوهُ  إِلاَّ تَفْعَلُوا تَكُنْ فِتْنَةٌ فِيالأَرْضِ وَفَسَادٌ عَرِيضٌ ‏"‏ ‏.‏

It was narrated from Abu Hurairah: that the Messenger of Allah said: "If there comes to you one with whose character and religious commitment you are pleased, then marry (your daughter or female relative under your care) to him, for if you do not do that there will be Fitnah in the land and widespread corruption.'" (Sunan ibn Majah Hadith 1967)

عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ، عَنِ النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَالَ ‏ "‏ تُنْكَحُ النِّسَاءُ لأَرْبَعَةٍ لِمَالِهَا وَلِحَسَبِهَا وَلِجَمَالِهَا وَلِدِينِهَا فَاظْفَرْ بِذَاتِ الدِّينِ تَرِبَتْ يَدَاكَ ‏"‏

Narrated Abu Hurairah: It was narrated from Abu Hurairah that the Prophet said: "Women are married for four things: their wealth, their nobility, their beauty and their religious commitment. Choose the one who is religiously committed, may your hands be rubbed with dust." ‏.‏ (Sunan an-Nasa'i 3230 Sahih)

The two individuals should share the same ultimate goal of pleasing Allah and attaining paradise. They should be passionate about the Sunnah of the Prophet (salahu alayhi wasalam). It's also important that the intention of marrying is to assist one another in goodness and Taqwa. This will make life easier, realistic and more pragmatic. The two spouses will then be able to lay the foundation to raise children successfully, otherwise, the marriage will cause children to witness conflicting aims and as a consequence make the upbringing a failure. 

In addition to sharing the same ultimate aim, it is important that the man is honest hardworking, reliable and known for having a good character.  Also, the man is required to display that he is financially stable, women are looking for security in a relationship, therefore any women will find it hard to commit to a man that does not have the capacity to provide basic shelter, food and clothing. However, some women take it out of proportion and are looking for luxury and a lavish life and set social traps such a higher dowry to avoid an early divorce. However, the women that request the least dowry is securing a better relationship with more blessing.

"قال النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم": إن من يمن المرأة تيسير خطبتها وتيسير صداقها، وتيسير رحمها ".
أخرجه ابن حبان والحاكم وغيرهما بسند حسن كما (" الإرواء "  1986 (

On the other hand, men search for women that will show them respect and accept their leadership in the marriage, as a result men tend to look for early signs of obedience before go ahead the with the marriage.

The two spouse should complement each other personalities and talents. It is true that opposites attract. Therefore every individual is looking for a person that will balance their working life and bring in a missing skill into the partnership. 

-Seeking the guardian's permission-

To finalize the pursuit the woman's guardian is to be consulted and eventually give her away. Usually, some people like to start the search by contacting the guardian to avoid unnecessary contact and relationship between the woman and the man if the guardian disapproves of the marriage proposal. The guardian's role is to protect the women from men who are not up to the required religious and character standard to run and maintain a family. Sometimes the family do not allow the daughter to marry a man from a certain tribe or background and as mentioned in the Hadith above if the refusal is unjustified can cause corruption. However, in any case, it is always advised to avoid any disappointment to get in contact with the family as soon as the two partners are ready to take it further. If all goes well marriage is only the beginning of a business partnership and the success of the business lies in how it is managed, therefore the next article will tackle the relationship within the marriage and how to make it successful in order for it to benefit both husband and wife and the offspring.